This morning, I sip my coffee and revel at how something as simple as a photoshoot can bring a girl to her knees.
When the photographer for the music video I’m going to be in tonight said, “My vision is…at a winery and you are getting a surprise engagement,” I both felt “Oh that’ll be easy. I got that down” and a sense of dread, all at once. I’ve had a strange complete shut down about it all weekend, not my usual when I’m ramping up for a shoot. Normally, regardless of how prepared I feel, I start feeling a nervous excitement, practicing, making sure wardrobe is on point. This weekend, I’ve been pretending it isn’t happening and have totally numbed out.
And then, as I woke up and thought, “Huh, maybe I should get my nails done,” it hit me…
I felt “I got that down” because I’ve already been there. I don’t have to worry about how to act because this has already happened to me nearly 2 years ago next month: day starting with a nail appointment, makeup/hair/wardrobe, surprise at Napa vineyard, and all! And the total avoidance is for obvious reasons. I’ve been there, done that, and have been unraveling the aftermath ever since.
This leads me to the following musings:
#1. I have amassed over the years enough wedding photoshoots and videos from my modeling career that I never need have an actual wedding. I can just pick my favorites from the shoots, photoshop the lucky guy in, and we can just bypass the whole ordeal. HA!
#2. Our minds and emotions are incredible creations – and pain is the worst. It totally blocks us from living fully alive and aware of ourselves, and we might not even know we aren’t free. I’ve been intentional in my forgiveness and healing process, and I still wasn’t even immediately aware of what was going on inside of me surrounding this shoot. Thank JESUS for His love and dogged determination to see us whole and healed and living life abundant, even when we are a tad daft.
#3. Not everything is a sign from God or some crazy prophetic mystery – sometimes Holy Spirit is highlighting a cycle we need to break. I forget where I read it, but in one of my books (probably either The Wounded Heart
by Dr. Dan Allender, Experiencing the Father’s Embrace
by Jack Frost, or something by Brennan Manning
), the author describes how traumatized people will often unknowingly place themselves in situations similar or identical to their trauma, thus reliving it repeatedly. They are not doing it intentionally, but there is a part of them that is attempting to go back and fix the situation so that they emerge victorious this time. So they regain the upper hand or overcome the trauma. The problem is, it was a trauma for a reason, it inevitably repeats, and the person is left re-devastated and believing this is just a cycle happening to them, unaware they are being attracted back with hopes of overcoming. I believe this is both a physical and spiritual pull, and both need to be addressed in order for a person to step into freedom. So, hmm.. Am I somehow doing this with wedding stuff??
#4. Is Papa just REALLY trying to get my attention with all this wedding symbolism – from getting paid to second shoot a wedding last year on what would have been my actual wedding day for a bride named Lyndsie at a venue with the same name as my art studio, to the only modeling gigs I’ve gotten this year all being wedding-related, to now shooting a music video, for what’s referred to as “The Wedding Song,” including an identical engagement scenario… oh, and it’s going to be featured on a reality tv show called Married at First Sight: The First Year? I’m actually apt to believe this one is a Divine orchestration because I’ve also been receiving words about being in a wedding season, the bride of Christ, Song of Songs, etc.
All I know is that I’m finally ready to listen… I get it, God. We can stop with all the blindingly obvious signs and get on with whatever it is You’re trying to tell me now. I give up. I surrender. Just please make the whole “always the bridesmodel, never the bride” cycle cease. I am finally on board, I’m listening, what would You like to do in me through this experience? Whatever it is, I’m game.
And now I’m off to use this opportunity to relive a past hurt and forgive in real-time.
Photo credit: Jerry Yoon Photography | http://www.jerryyoon.com