Even Now

“It doesn’t always work like I’ve planned it
I’ve seen a lot of good things, a lot of things been out of my hands
Even when I don’t understand it
We have all got choices to make
And this one is mine

Even now, here’s my heart God

Seems like all You do is so hidden
Sometimes I’m led to wonder are You working at all?
But even in the darkness I’m listening
For Your still small voice in the distance I hear You call

Even now here’s my heart God
I’m in love

Runnin’ out of reasons to doubt You
Can’t live another day here without You

Even now here’s my heart God
I’m in love

Your love is sweeter than honey
Your love is stronger than death
Your love lifts me off my burdens
And teaches me to dance”

After 2 years of really hoping to put down roots in Oakland, I’m moving away in 10 days.

Slowing a moment to reflect, I realize how much I’ve come through in such an impacted amount of time. I’ll spare the details, but suffice to say, a broken wedding engagement and the ripple effect it’s had throughout each facet of my life has been only one of the “TKO” events in the past 6 months alone (think: complete reset button on my life, relocation…again, death of a close friend, etc). My heart has been turned inside out in ways I didn’t know were humanly possible to survive, but still, He’s been faithful.

Sadly, no matter how incredibly good He’s been, the miracles I’ve seen, or the words He’s spoken, my humanness still hurts when I pause long enough to feel it. Today, on a day that raises so many mixed emotions for sons and daughters everywhere (Father’s Day), Papa God invited me to sit in His presence and let Him be my Dad. One by one, He helped me pull out all the fragments of my heart and ask Him how they’ll ever truly fit back together again. I mean, after all, though Zuzu’s petals lay in wait for a daddy and some glue, we all know a molted stem cannot ever be a flower again.

But as I took the time to let Him in, I allowed Him to love me with the Love that leaves none stranded. He reminded me of the million little things reaped in this season and restored hope of those planted but yet to sow. And as my playlist flipped through its repertoire of worship, one song grabbed my hand, stood me up, and recalibrated my resolve… “Even now, here’s my heart, God.

I share all of this for those of you in boats of the same shade of blue. Tomorrow or soon, I’ll let the joy come in the mourning and blog all of the glorious tales of blessing beyond measure that God’s written in me over the last 6 months. But for now, I feel I must remind you that we each have a choice to make as our ships pass into the dark night of the soul, and it’s not one of “sink” or “swim” – it’s of “nevermore” or “even now”: “Nevermore will my heart be open.” or “Even now, here’s my heart.”

Tonight, I’ll let the waves come as they may because I’m surely anchored in this: however hard I’m rocked, here’s my heart, God.

(Lyrics to “Even Now” by United Pursuit Band –check out their blog here– were copied from HERE)


One thought on “Even Now

  1. Pingback: God Never Subtracts | Beauty For Ashes

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