Healing

Prisons of Self

I just posted this image and the following response to The Parallel Bible – the world’s first visual and social Bible app – and thought it also belonged here as a milestone on my path:

Matthew 5:26

Matthew 5:25-26 – “Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are with him on the way; lest perhaps the prosecutor deliver you to the judge, and the judge deliver you to the officer, and you be cast into prison. Most certainly I tell you, you shall by no means get out of there, until you have paid the last penny.” (WEB)

We take ourselves to court, judging and accusing harshly, and sentencing ourselves to silent prisons from which there is no release. You will never get out when you hold yourself in contempt. It will cost you everything. When Jesus was preaching on the mount about making peace with our enemy before coming to tithe, I propose He was including our own worst enemy: Self.

I’m currently dealing with a whole trove of self-contempt I never knew was beneath the surface. But it keeps popping up to complicate situations in all areas of my life, so I’ve decided to confront it head on.

This photo and post actually comes from a prayer time I was having with Papa earlier this evening. I thought I was repenting and making sure all the last of some ugly sin in my past was covered – again. Suddenly, mid-sentence, I was startled silent – Papa literally rose up within and very sternly said, “STOP. I will NOT allow you to beat, condemn, discount, or hold (hostage) your self any longer! IT IS FINISHED! I don’t even know what you’re talking about anymore, but it certainly does not sound like the woman I know you to be.”

See, when Jesus died, He covered every last deed. He sent your past as far as the east is from the west…as the Cageless Birds song goes, “Guilt went looking for my past but only found Love.” But our hearts are not open to receiving that Love if we’ve locked them away in prisons of contempt and unforgiveness. They can see it through the bars and know it’s for them, but they can never fully receive or participate…and that deferred hope of Love makes the heart sick. And a sick heart becomes the wellspring of a life half-alive.

Release yourself today. Make peace with your enemy, and watch as the fruit your life produces to tithe at Jesus’ feet sweeten and increase by the bushels. The most beautiful offering we can give is our hearts, totally open and free to be loved every bit as much as He died to make possible.

The original post can be found on The Parallel Bible by clicking HERE or looking me up by username (LilWhiteHouse).

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Homeless Outreach, Stories from the Street

The Beauty in a Blanket

Humans are beautiful. Every single one. I am overwhelmed by the Love of a Father and how He invites everyone to the table to partake of it.
 
Tonight was an interesting string of events that all led to this one:
 
An older woman who is currently homeless approached me at a Starbucks, and I ended up taking her a few places she needed to go. It was an incredible exercise in listening to Papa’s voice and holding boundaries as I felt I was released to do a and b but not c, etc; I ended up taking her more places than I had planned but felt unexpected grace and desire to do so, and I said no to buying her certain things, even though I could have, based on a gut feeling – the hardest one for me to say no to was a blanket. I really wanted to buy her a blanket but, because my own rent just barely eeked by today and I felt Papa saying no, I let it go and said no. Until recent breaking of old habits and setting of boundaries, that’s when the ol credit card would have come out – I’m growing! YAY! HA!
 
When I brought her to her end destination and said goodbye, a young homeless man walked straight up to her and said, “I’m sorry, ma’am, for not doing this sooner, but I felt Daddy tell me to give this to you last week because I have others, and I just didn’t do it til now.” He tried to hand her a fleece blanket with Christmas decor all over it! She continually refused it, not wanting to inconvenience him or take something he might need, so he gave it to me and walked away, saying, “I assume you’ll have better luck getting her to take it.” Fortunately, I did!
 
LESSONS LEARNED:
 
– Humanity is not doomed, ugly, or beyond hope. Beauty is built into every single person, but not every single person chooses to slow down and see it. “Stop and smell the roses” is not just a frivolous cliche. It’s much more profound than that.
 
– No matter what you have or don’t have, you have more than enough if you have Papa’s love.
– Papa God knows all our needs and our desires, and He is never late in providing. Sometimes, however, it is us who reject His hand out of shame/feeling unworthy or miss it because it’s not how we expected it to happen.
 
– Just because you “can”, doesn’t mean you “should”. Papa wanted that young man to share in the joy that comes of showing His love to others. Had I bought the blanket, I would have been out resources I need (bad self care/boundaries) and I would have denied that young man the ability to be a blessing and obey what God told him to do. Sometimes we need to keep our best intentions out of the way of God’s best.
 
– I also would have denied that woman supernatural provision! It’s so much more meaningful to know Papa set things in motion a week ago, foreknowing her need, than to just get a store-bought something or other. His ways are always better (and much more fun) than ours. He wanted her to know His eye is on her needs and future: He told me to say, “Hey.. I know you don’t want to take his blanket, but he said he has others and you are so worthy of gifts from Papa. He loves you so much that He knew you wouldn’t have money for a blanket tonight and set that young man in motion to give you one…because you are the daughter of a King, which means you’re a princess, and princesses get gifts just because they’re loved. And look! It’s CHRISTMAS! It’s Jesus’ birthday! And I happen to know that Jesus loves to give rather than receive so of course He’d be giving you a present on His birthday. He says He’s trying to shower you in gifts all the time but you keep rejecting them…this one, He really wants you to have because you are loved, and loved ones are provided for.”
 
– I will, no matter how much darkness or pain or horrificness I see, never stop loving people, because He loves them so so much. I will also apparently never stop weeping at even the smallest displays of pure beauty – like a man with nothing being so yielded to Papa’s voice that he’d give sacrificially to one with even less than he. Driving away, replaying that moment in my mind, the feeling hit me that that woman was one of the most beautiful I’d ever seen, and the tears poured forth.
 
What an honor it is to be trusted with moments as precious as these…I pray that you, person who’s read this far, have the privilege of witnessing pure beauty and Papa’s love this week, and that when that time comes, you’ll have crazy awesome discernment to know what is yours to do, what is God’s to do, and what is to be left for someone else. Amen.
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Healing, Life Journey

Wedding Shoot Deja Vu

This morning, I sip my coffee and revel at how something as simple as a photoshoot can bring a girl to her knees.
When the photographer for the music video I’m going to be in tonight said, “My vision is…at a winery and you are getting a surprise engagement,” I both felt “Oh that’ll be easy. I got that down” and a sense of dread, all at once. I’ve had a strange complete shut down about it all weekend, not my usual when I’m ramping up for a shoot. Normally, regardless of how prepared I feel, I start feeling a nervous excitement, practicing, making sure wardrobe is on point. This weekend, I’ve been pretending it isn’t happening and have totally numbed out.
And then, as I woke up and thought, “Huh, maybe I should get my nails done,” it hit me…
I felt “I got that down” because I’ve already been there. I don’t have to worry about how to act because this has already happened to me nearly 2 years ago next month: day starting with a nail appointment, makeup/hair/wardrobe, surprise at Napa vineyard, and all! And the total avoidance is for obvious reasons. I’ve been there, done that, and have been unraveling the aftermath ever since.
This leads me to the following musings:
#1. I have amassed over the years enough wedding photoshoots and videos from my modeling career that I never need have an actual wedding. I can just pick my favorites from the shoots, photoshop the lucky guy in, and we can just bypass the whole ordeal. HA!
#2. Our minds and emotions are incredible creations – and pain is the worst. It totally blocks us from living fully alive and aware of ourselves, and we might not even know we aren’t free. I’ve been intentional in my forgiveness and healing process, and I still wasn’t even immediately aware of what was going on inside of me surrounding this shoot. Thank JESUS for His love and dogged determination to see us whole and healed and living life abundant, even when we are a tad daft.
#3. Not everything is a sign from God or some crazy prophetic mystery – sometimes Holy Spirit is highlighting a cycle we need to break. I forget where I read it, but in one of my books (probably either The Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan Allender, Experiencing the Father’s Embrace by Jack Frost, or something by Brennan Manning), the author describes how traumatized people will often unknowingly place themselves in situations similar or identical to their trauma, thus reliving it repeatedly. They are not doing it intentionally, but there is a part of them that is attempting to go back and fix the situation so that they emerge victorious this time. So they regain the upper hand or overcome the trauma. The problem is, it was a trauma for a reason, it inevitably repeats, and the person is left re-devastated and believing this is just a cycle happening to them, unaware they are being attracted back with hopes of overcoming. I believe this is both a physical and spiritual pull, and both need to be addressed in order for a person to step into freedom. So, hmm.. Am I somehow doing this with wedding stuff??
OR
#4. Is Papa just REALLY trying to get my attention with all this wedding symbolism – from getting paid to second shoot a wedding last year on what would have been my actual wedding day for a bride named Lyndsie at a venue with the same name as my art studio, to the only modeling gigs I’ve gotten this year all being wedding-related, to now shooting a music video, for what’s referred to as “The Wedding Song,” including an identical engagement scenario… oh, and it’s going to be featured on a reality tv show called Married at First Sight: The First Year? I’m actually apt to believe this one is a Divine orchestration because I’ve also been receiving words about being in a wedding season, the bride of Christ, Song of Songs, etc.

All I know is that I’m finally ready to listen… I get it, God. We can stop with all the blindingly obvious signs and get on with whatever it is You’re trying to tell me now. I give up. I surrender. Just please make the whole “always the bridesmodel, never the bride” cycle cease. I am finally on board, I’m listening, what would You like to do in me through this experience? Whatever it is, I’m game.

And now I’m off to use this opportunity to relive a past hurt and forgive in real-time.

Photo credit: Jerry Yoon Photography | http://www.jerryyoon.com

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Thoughts on God

Miracle Money

Since Pastor Bill told us the testimony about the student who literally had $100 bills fall out of the sky/manifest in bushes, I’ve been secretly exercising my faith by making extra sure Benjamin isn’t hiding out in bushes as I pass. While walking to my mailbox, it’s double duty: bushes AND “checks in the mail”.

But today, as I whispered a lil prayer for miraculous manifestation of finances, I was startled – Papa responded with, “Have you found miracle money yet?” To which I replied, “No, I haven’t…” And He said, “Well that must mean you don’t need it!”

Ha!

He continued, “When are you going to let go and trust that I have you and all your concerns firmly in hand? Have I ever failed you? Have I not always provided? And isn’t it usually pretty darn miraculous in and of itself when I do? My love, please stop wishing for someone else’s miracles and just rest in the unique ways I provide for you so you don’t need them in the first place…”

Boom. If God had a mic, He’d have dropped it.

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Healing, Life Journey, Thoughts on God

Humble Dependency

I have been really mean to myself this week – really down on myself for shortcomings, ugly/raw reactions, messy processing of emotions, etc. And, of course, I have plenty of Bible verses swirling in my head to back up why I should be upset with myself for not doing x, y, or z or for feeling icky feelings:

“So far as it depends on you, live in peace with everyone.”
“Turn the other cheek.”
“They’ll know we are Christians by our love.”
“Fruits of the Spirit…” are not anger, mourning, frustration, sorrow.

Luckily, I just had a perspective pivot (courtesy my amazing counselor). She said:

“Instead of seeing yourself as a failure or being hard on yourself for not doing things the way you’d like to, how about saying, ‘Papa, I am not You. My ways don’t ever look like Yours, but that’s not because I’m a failure, it’s because I’m not You. I need You because I am not You. I am humbly dependent upon You because, while I am amazing, I’ll never be You, and that’s ok, because I have You.'”

I think that far too often, we unnecessarily brow-beat ourselves and take verses out of context to hold ourselves in contempt. Yes, we are called to forgive and to love and to live in peace. However, we are not called to be doormats or punching bags or enablers of poor behavior. What we don’t learn soon enough is that sometimes love looks like not allowing someone to continue to behave poorly and to ruin their relationships with hurtful behavior. Yes, we will eventually land on love and accept His peace, but we must give ourselves the grace to grieve and process the emotions, just as they are, first.

So here’s one: “Love others as you love yourself.” THAT right there is permission to love yourself well so that you can love others better. You love yourself by honoring your process, with all the ugly, messy emotions that come up, and listening to what you want/need. If you can’t do that for yourself, you won’t be able to do it for others. Keeping your peace and love on look like being really kind to yourself by recognizing that you’re not God and never will be. And that’s ok, because He is God, so you don’t have to be. But you are human, a spectacular one at that, and humans were created to have emotions – even “negative” ones. Celebrate your humanness, knowing that the God spot is already taken by the One who fearfully and wonderfully made you, process and all.

Today, if only for a moment, may you grant yourself the grace Jesus died to give you – He loved you enough to believe the sacrifice was well worth it, so let Him align your mind and heart to His love. Give Him permission to be God and take your glorified place by His side.

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Uncategorized

Will Sacrifice for Beauty

“Let Your Creativity Blossom” Copyright © 2015 Jessica Ostrander, All rights reserved.

A few weeks ago during a preach on true Kingdom prosperity, Bill Johnson was talking about the difference between tithes and offerings. This was not a new concept for me, but my heart began recognizing a new season of giving coming on. Until now, the tithe has been absolutely non-negotiable, but the offering has been relegated to the “I so wish I could, but I can’t even pay bills much less give any additional offering money” corners of my mind. “When I finally am making enough money to support myself,” I reasoned, “Then I will finally be able to be as generous with my finances as I desire to be.” But generosity sometimes means sacrifice, and trust usually means risk.

In the days following the sermon, I was intentional about asking God if He would have me steward my finances differently in this season. I have considerable school debt, and I’m not yet making enough monthly to cover my basic budget, but He’s been so epically faithful that I wanted to be sure I wasn’t missing something He might be wanting to do. What I felt Him say was, “Your offering is loving those around you well and being a patron of the arts.” I was reminded of a dinner party I hosted for my friends on Valentine’s Day and felt His hand of blessing on it, albeit an expense I wasn’t sure how to cover. I was also reminded of incredible art I’ve been seeing as I’ve been pursuing relationships with other artists for the Parallel Bible community. In that moment, I heard Papa say, “How can I bless and support you as an artist if those I’m calling to buy your work aren’t faithful to my call? Likewise, if you want to see a shift in the culture of appreciating an artist for their work, you need to lead by example. If you want artists to know their value and be paid it for their work, you need to know their value and pay them for their work. Your heart is to pastor and empower artists – do so by helping them support themselves by doing what I’ve called them to do. Those I’ve called will no longer be ‘penalized’ or looked down upon for following the passion and gift I’ve placed within them. It’s time for the artists to arise and rebuild the Tabernacle with Kingdom inspiration and resource. You are no longer survivors but thrivers – you are faithful to steward the dreams and visions and creative projects I’ve placed within you all for such a time as this, a time when the world so desperately needs an encounter with Beauty (My love). Buy art, empower artists – THAT is your offering…and it’s a pretty good deal since you get to surround yourself with tangible expressions of breakthrough and encounters with My love in return.”

Last week, I attended a creative conference at Expression58 Church in LA where I was surrounded by incredible creatives living out their passions and calls. I thought I was doing pretty well by supporting the musicians in cd purchases rather than downloads or Spotify, but my heart became heavy upon seeing a hauntingly moving painting – without even knowing the backstory, I was drawn to an image toward the back of the room but avoided it because I knew I’d never be able to afford what it was worth. “Why even bother falling in love,” I figured, “If it’s going to be one more thing I can’t yet do?” I reasoned it away based on the facts that I dislike “girly” stuff and there were flowers and splashes of pink all over the image – SO not my style anyway.

But then the artist was called on stage and presented that very piece. As she spoke of transitions and seasons and beauty from ashes, I felt my heart turning in complete resonance with her process. The painting is a direct correlation with my own story since 2011, right down to the scattered birds underneath. My heart was both inspired and encouraged to know others are going through (and creating from) similar seasons of vulnerability AND deeply saddened that I am not yet in a place to afford to purchase art on this level. Beauty is always held in tension, is it not?

I stalked the painting from afar, and then I went in for the kill shot – it was just as incredible up close. I grabbed her business card in hopes to connect with her later should I ever get up the guts to make relevant art as well and want to do a show in LA.

Today, I found that card and the bio for the painting. I was just as moved, if not more, reading her words about her process (brackets are my commentary):

It’s a modern twist on My Fair Lady [I LOVE Audrey] inspired by LA street art [I’ve always loved street art, but LA has recently become a huge player in my heart]. It speaks of beauty coming out of chaos and shows a woman blossoming in her identity [my time here at Bethel has been all about just that – finally shaking off the ashes of mourning and trauma and stepping into my identity as a whole, powerful daughter of Papa]. It was created over another painting done in 2011 called “Transition”. 2011 was a particularly challenging season were I was struggling to find my voice in the middle of a lot of change [My life has been in crazy transition since 2011 – I was working on my college senior art exhibition which is what started my bird-obsession, left all I knew in SanDiego, had an extremely challenging desert season in Oakland followed by a failed engagement, and have been ruthlessly pursuing counseling and inner healing for all the abuse and trauma I’ve experienced in my life]. One afternoon at Pihop, I painted birds flying chaotically in different directions as if a gust of wind had just scattered them [How I’ve felt for years until this year]. The Lord was doing a deep work in me [Deeper than I could ever express]. I find it really fun how the finished result of both paintings woven together represent how beauty and order can come out of things that initially feel very chaotic [The chaos of my life has set the foundation for the most beautiful Love and intimacy with Papa]. I love how the birds in the finished painting appear more playful as they dance around the flowers of the blossoming woman [I’m finally becoming the woman God intended, and He’s been calling me to dance as a part of my healing and worship expression]. God does indeed make all things beautiful in his time. Spring has sprung, so let your creativity blossom [one of the final hurdles of fear that I still hold is in my art making – He’s calling me out to create again, healing my process, and calling me to be bold]!
– Jessica O

I remembered Papa’s words about offering and art, and I remembered that sometimes offering is a sacrifice. I also remembered the power that Kingdom art has to continue to release the breakthrough and anointing from which it was created and that we are called to keep altar stones for seasons to always remember what Papa has done on our behalf. I decided that, while I may not be able to go all out and buy the biggest one, I am willing to take a risk on a smaller version. Do not despise small beginnings…On the journey towards the best, I’ve been learning to let good enough be good enough because at least it’s something rather than nothing at all. Though I know the last thing I wanted to do was to take on MORE debt, I feel so strongly about this image that I’m making the leap of faith, knowing that, even if I’m only hearing the voice of my own selfish desire and making a “bad” choice, Papa is still bigger than that and oh, so incredibly forgiving.

So, happy early birthday to me as I step out of my 2011-2014 desert season of scattered birds and solitude and surviving and into embracing this new season of spring, growth, finding my voice, singing my song, and bursting forth out of fear and into the passionate creativity Papa’s placed within me! Some people sacrifice for physical bodily beauty as they grow older, but I’m choosing to sacrifice for an expression of the internal beauty Papa is bringing about from my life. Time for Love to bloom in my heart (See: Hinds Feet on High Places), and to boldly place my feet on the promises He’s made.

What are the small risks He may be inviting you to take in this new Spring season?

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Thoughts on God

I’m Giving Up Candy (Crush) for Lent

Crushed by Candy

“Satisfy me in your SWEETNESS
and my song of joy will return.
The places within me you have CRUSHED
will rejoice in your healing touch.”
Psalm 51:8 (The Passion Translation)

This verse was from today’s passage in Passion Translation’s Lent Devo(tional), which I find to be completely hilarious considering I semi-jokingly announced on Facebook that I’d given up Candy (Crush) for Lent. Turns out, this was truly a prophetic act: Jehovah Sneaky strikes again.

I do not often succumb to the allure of the video game anymore after kicking my WoW habit (6 years non-druid blood elf). Against my better judgement, my relapse hit last week when an abrupt breaking of an incredibly meaningful relationship brought on a massive wave of grief. Knowing full well Papa wanted me to engage with Him instead, I obsessively crushed thousands of lines of candy rather than feel the crushing happening in my chest. I knew I had a problem, but while the source of pain was beyond my control, having full reign over the placement of all the little candy pieces gave me some semblance of restored order. I know: I’m totally lame.

When I woke up this morning with “the lines have fallen to me in pleasant places” (Psalms 16:6) and an image of candy crush in my head, I knew God was officially like, “Alright, Linds… enough’s enough. I’ve allowed a little binge, but you know full well the only way your ‘song of joy’ will return is by MY ‘healing touch’; time for you to acknowledge the real lines of treasures that I have aligned in your life. I love you too much to allow you to trade the artificial for reality anymore.” I rolled over, uninstalled the app, made it Facebook-official, then stumbled upon a verse of confirmation. Of course.

Sure, ya’ll might think it’s a stretch, but I think it’s hilarious because Papa’s always finding unique ways to communicate in any means necessary. When He says to pray constantly, He means it. Luckily, He has a great sense of humor and loves to play. Lately, He’s been teaching me that everything (see: EVERYTHING) is prophetic/significant, that nothing is a coincidence or accident or arbitrary. And I guess if Candy Crush is prophetic, I’m now thoroughly entertained and convinced.

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